by Alycia Morales | May 17, 2022 | Family, Parenting
Cleaning up after four-plus kids on a regular basis and micro-managing their lives from sunup to sundown and beyond can be exhausting for Mama. Many times, dads will come home from work, tired from their day, and plop down on the couch for some R&R, rather than taking the time to help with the kids. While there’s nothing essentially wrong with this, mama is oftentimes left with the responsibility of taking care of the children’s needs throughout the remainder of the evening. Whether she is home with the kids all day or works her own full- or part-time job, this leaves her exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. Mama needs time to take care of herself, too.
If you are a dad reading this post, please know that your wife would seriously love some time with you. But if she’s exhausted, all she’s going to want to do is go to sleep.
If you are a mama reading this post, please know that there are some ways you can encourage dad to help with the kids so you can spend that much-desired time with your hubby without needing to go to sleep when you put your kids to bed.
Also, if you are a dad (or have a husband) who helps out around the house and with the kids on a regular basis, we applaud you. You’re a keeper, for sure! I do acknowledge, as the author of this post, that those dads do exist.
8 Practical Ways Dad Can Help with the Kids
1. Acknowledge the household schedule.
Mamas and children get into a rhythm, because they are home together while dad is out working. If mom is out working too, she may be the parent who comes home and does the nightly routine with the kids. When dad interrupts the rhythm, it throws off the entire family dynamic established by the routine. It’s not that dad isn’t welcome in the rhythm. Chances are, mama would love for dad to be a part. It’s that they don’t acknowledge it exists and insist on doing things their way instead of what mom has established with the kids. This can damage relationships and tear down mom’s authority.
Rather than interrupt the rhythm, dad can ask mom what the daily routine is and get on board with upholding that routine. Kids do far better with routine than they do without.
2. Take one daily household chore off mom’s to-do list.
There are several daily tasks that must happen to keep the household functioning smoothly. Dishes. Trash. Laundry. Sweeping the floors. Cooking. These are just a few.
Granted, when kids are old enough to safely do these things, these chores can become theirs instead of mom’s. But until then, it can be a blessing to mom to have dad take over one or more of these chores. Especially if mom’s love language is acts of service.
Consider what dad is good at, and have him do that.
My husband is better at cooking than I am, and he enjoys it. I don’t. So having him cook dinner when he gets home would bless me more than anything else he could do around the house. It would relieve my stress, give me a break from the kitchen, and allow me the time to get the laundry done (which I don’t mind doing).
Some benefits to this action are:
- kids observe dad helping mom, learning that helping one another is valued in your home
- mom and dad are both finished with chores at the same time, allowing both time with one another
- dad can help teach kids different chores, rather than mom doing all the teaching
- many hands make light work
3. Do the things that men do, and train your sons to do them.
We recently had a discussion with our couples’ small group about the roles of men and women in a marital relationship. We weren’t talking about the typical roles of sexes when it comes to household chores and responsibilities. We were focused on relational roles. “Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church” type roles. That’s not what I want to talk about here. That topic is far too deep for one blog post.
Here, I want to talk about roles in regard to household responsibilities.
Some mamas, like me, are what my husband calls “low maintenance.” We’re the DIYers. The ones who can pick up a level, hammer, and nails and hang artwork on the wall. The ones who can fire up the grill and cook a steak dinner. Who can change a tire, or at least check the oil and put some in when it’s low. Even us low maintenance mamas appreciate the husband who does these things, despite the fact that we can do them, just because he wants to relieve us of that task.
And while you’re doing them, teach your sons how to do them so that when they grow up into fine young men and get married, they will already be in the habit of doing them for their wives.
4. Spend time with the kids in the evening.
One of the best pieces of marriage and parenting advice given us was for Vic to help with the kids when he got home from work.
There are several things dads can do to remove some of the burdens of the evening routine from mom’s shoulders:
- give the kids their baths
- spend 30 minutes playing with them
- read their bedtime stories, pray, and tuck them in (spiritual leadership)
- be the parent who returns wayward kids to their beds when they have 50 excuses why they can’t sleep
- help them organize their necessities for the next day (clothes, backpack, shoes, school notes, etc.)
Doing this gives mom a break and allows her to focus her attentions on other things that need doing, such as cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner, or preparing for the next morning’s routine.
Speaking of giving mom a break…
5. Give Mom a night off.
One thing Vic was really good at when our kids were school aged (I’m talking 6-10) was noticing when I just needed a break. He would come home from work, take one look at me, and suggest I take my laptop and go to Starbucks or the book store. He recognized my need for a break from the children, time away from the house, and rest.
The type of rest mama needs can come in many forms:
- coffee & conversation with a friend or mom or sister
- a night alone, uninterrupted, in the bedroom (until dad comes to bed, of course)
- a couple of hours to wander to her favorite places
- a trip to the spa
- a massage
- the opportunity to go shopping without the kids
- a bubble bath
- a nap
- time to shave her legs
Whatever type of rest mama prefers, when dad provides this for her, she returns refreshed and ready to pour into the family again. Mom grumpy? Give her a break.
6. Share driving responsibilities.
Kids have so many places they need to go. Play dates. Doctor’s appointments. Hair cuts. Football practice. Baseball games. Theater rehearsals. Tests. Work. The list is endless, or at least it seems so. Until they get their driver’s license, it’s on mom and dad to make sure they get where they need to go, when they need to be there, and picked up again.
One way dad can ease mom’s busy schedule is to help with these responsibilities. Kid getting out of work the same time as dad? Dad can pick him up on his way home so mom doesn’t have to make that trip. One parent can drop off in car line in the morning, while the other picks up after football practice. Schedule a day once every quarter that dad can take off work to take kids to regular appointments with doctors, dentists, and hairstylists/barbers. Take a look at your schedules and discover what will work. Then, make it happen.
7. Recognize the importance of knowing your kids and their “stuff.”
“But I do know my kid.” I can hear the dads now. My own husband would say that, as well (and has). And maybe you do…
My only point here is that if mom is spending more time with the kids than you, the likelihood is that she knows more about them than you do. One sign this is true is if they tend to go to her with everything before coming to you.
To discover if you know your kids as well as you feel you do, here are a few questions you can ask:
- Do you know all of their birthdates?
- Do you know their social security numbers (or at least have them written down and accessible to you)?
- Do you know where their doctor’s office is located? Who their pediatrician is?
- Do you know their health issues? Have you been to an appointment with them in the past year?
- Do you know what they want to do when they graduate from high school?
- Have you checked their phones within the past month so you can see who they are communicating with and what they’re talking with their friends about? (You have every parental right to invade their privacy in the name of keeping them safe.)
- What’s your child’s favorite food?
- Who’s the last kid who came over to visit any one of your own children?
These are just a few things mamas know about their children and do with them on a regular basis. Let’s say something tragic happens to mom. She gets sick and is unable to provide for the kids for a season. Or worse, she dies. Do you have the ability to pick up where she leaves off in the care of your children? That’s my point.
8. Take night duty.
Kids of every age have something that keeps parents up at night.
- Infants need to nurse and have their diaper changed.
- Toddlers don’t like to go to bed or struggle sleeping alone.
- Young children also don’t like to go to bed, have night terrors, and have 50 excuses to not stay in bed.
- Teens push boundaries and want to stay up past scheduled lights out. Game consoles are tempting after dark.
- Even young adults like pulling all-nighters, hanging with online “friends” until 3 a.m.
Dad can help with the kids by alternating night duty with mom, allowing both of them the opportunity to get the much-needed rest they both need and deserve.
Mama, having dad help with the kids in these ways will give you the break you desperately need so you can continue pouring your heart and soul into your family. Dad, helping mom with the kids in these ways will build the relationship and develop the connection you desire with your wife and kids. These are practical ways to deepen relationship, smoothly run your household, set boundaries with your children, and make your marriage more 100/100 than 50/50.
Have you found one of these tips helpful? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below!
by Alycia Morales | May 2, 2022 | Entertainment, Family, Parenting
As a Christian parent, sometimes we are faced with the complicated decision as to whether or not we should allow our children to watch movies or shows, such as Harry Potter or Twilight. Do we allow them to jump into the Manga world? Should they be able to play a violent video game? We all know our kids would make successful lawyers, because they can usually argue their point as to why they should be able to watch or play or read these until we mamas are the ones blue in the face. In the end, it’s our decision. And one that’s not always easy to make.
I avoided Harry Potter and Twilight for a long time. Breaking Dawn was already out when I chose to read the series after a bunch of my friends were telling me how incredible it was. One of the last book series I read years earlier was Anne Rice’s Interview with a Vampire. I was in my late teens. That series is a bit dark, and I was afraid of what I would open my spirit to if I read Twilight. Fortunately, Stephanie Meyer decided her vampires would have moral values and would rather drink from animals than humans, many of which line up with biblical morality and values. I saw and owned all of the Harry Potter movies before I started reading the books. It was clear in the movies that the line between evil and good is drawn. I wish I had observed them for myself when my kids were younger. Because, like Lord of the Rings or Star Wars or any other epic story you can name, they are worth looking into, in my opinion.
So how do we mamas decide what to allow our children to be exposed to?
1. Watch Harry Potter yourself.
Before opening the door to Hogwarts for your child, take the time to watch it or read it yourself and with your spouse, if you are married. You will likely know by the time you are half an hour into the movie if it’s safe for your kids.
Vic and I took our kids to see the new Rugrats movie when it released. Not ten minutes into the film, we were uncomfortable with the messages the movie shared. Within twenty minutes, we scooped up our toddlers/children and left the theater.
As a parent, you know what is good for your kids and what isn’t. Use that discernment. Check it out first, whether it’s a book, movie, video game, social media platform, or any other potentially harmful source of entertainment.
2. To each his own convictions.
Everyone has different convictions in this life. While we may hold the same foundational beliefs when it comes to our Christian faith, there are various levels of exposure we can handle. Hear me out. I’m not saying to expose yourself or your children to something along the lines of pornography (which is hard in today’s world of entertainment, because we all know how much Hollywood believes that sex sells, even to our toddlers). What I am talking about here is the level of spiritual tolerance we have for particular entertainment.
For example, I love watching crime shows. NCIS. Bones. Castle. Chicago PD. FBI. Law and Order SVU. These are the shows that I watch season after season. Although, now that Gibbs is gone from NCIS, I’m struggling to love it as much as I used to. I know that I can stomach Criminal Minds. But there are some episodes of that particular show where they get into the mind of villains who are immersed in the demonic, and I cannot tolerate those. So I skip them. It’s really that simple.
Another example: I know Christians who enjoy horror movies like Pet Cemetery or Friday the 13th. I haven’t watched a horror movie since Pet Cemetery. I know that type of movie hurts my spirit.
One more: I LOVED The Lost Boys when I was a teen. I could recite that movie from beginning to end, I’d watched it so many times. I haven’t seen it since I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I’ve thought about watching it more than once. But there’s a check I get in my spirit every time I do. So I don’t.
This is what I’m talking about here. Listen to your convictions. Especially when it comes to your children.
3. Consider the teachable moments.
When I think of Harry Potter, I also think of Lord of the Rings. Both are epic tales. Both involve wizards. Both tell of the battle between good and evil, with good triumphant at the end. They have a main character who is going to save the world, someone young.
What’s the difference between them? I know Tolkien was a man of faith. I’m not entirely sure what Rowlings’s faith stands on. Which is one reason why I avoided Harry Potter for so long.
What’s the difference between their magic? I don’t know. Maybe that is something I need to educate myself on. But that’s not what I see when I watch these movies.
What changed my mind about Harry Potter was going to see one of the movies in the theater with a bunch of my Christian mama friends. I didn’t see wizardry and witchcraft. I saw the elements I mentioned above. A kid who’s been destined to save the world from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Kids going through the things of life that lead us into maturity. Making moral decisions. I saw a lot of teachable moments for my own children.
Sometimes our kids will listen to and receive our testimonies of the mistakes we’ve made in the past and the things we’ve learned from them. Other times, they will receive it more from viewing or reading an epic story and our discussion of it afterward. Use entertainment as a way to teach your child.
4. Consider the age appropriateness of whatever your choosing to watch, read, or listen to.
I will never forget going to the theater to see any one of the Twilight movies. Especially Breaking Dawn. I took immediate notice of all the young girls in line with their mamas and thought to myself how I would never bring Hannah to see them with me. At the time, she was only nine or ten or thirteen, even. Nor would I allow her to read the books at that age. There was too much adult content within the pages and on the screen.
Let me point out that the only sex scenes in the series (There are two.) are between Edward and Bella … after they are married. And it is beautifully done, not pornographically. Okay for my married adult woman eyes. Not okay, in my conviction, for my young daughter.
What age will your child be mature enough to watch or read the content? When will he or she be old enough to discern between fantasy and reality? Will your child want to immerse themselves in some aspect of the world that is displayed within the story, such as wizardry or witchcraft? Will you be able to lead them on another path, such as explaining that there is a difference between having those powers within yourself that are really being controlled by an outside force of evil and having the power of the Holy Spirit residing within you? Age appropriate. Teachable moments.
My kids didn’t see Harry Potter or Twilight until they were much older teens and watching with me.
One more aspect of this topic: Children mature at different rates. Not one is the same. If you have more than one kid, you are acutely aware of this phenomenon. Keep this in mind when choosing what to expose your kids to and when.
5. Again, use your discernment based upon your personal convictions.
Ultimately, the choice is yours, between you and God. Whatever you decide for your children and your family is what is, hopefully, right for you. If you have any check in your spirit, don’t ignore it. That’s usually how the Holy Spirit speaks to us. It may not be right in that moment, at that age, or ever. Use wisdom. Educate yourself first. Then decide for your kids.
Like me, maybe you will avoid particular movies, books, video games, social media, etc. when they are first released and wait to see what your friends or pastors or spouse decide before you expose yourself or your children to anything. Maybe that decision will be prolonged and then one day change. And that’s okay.
We, as mamas (and the dads out there), are ultimately responsible for training our children in the way they should go so that when they are old, they won’t depart from it. That is our God-given ordination. No one else is responsible for our children; we are. And it is up to us to make these decisions based on our beliefs. Trust God. Trust yourself. And train up those kids!
by Alycia Morales | Sep 17, 2021 | Family, Grief, Health, Loss of a Child, Parenting, Self-care
Don’t be afraid to help a grieving mama after the loss of a child. Many people will shy away from grieving parents because they just don’t know what to say or do. The loss of a child brings an overwhelming wave of grief with it, and we can tend to want to give our mama friends and their husbands space to deal with their emotions. From one who has experienced that grief and overwhelm, don’t give a grieving mama too much space. She needs your support in that season. And for the next year.
It’s called “the year of firsts.” It’s the year that we experience every first without our child. The first birthday. The first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. The first New Year, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas. The first time you realize any number of things about your child … sometimes too late. The first time you go shopping and see something you would normally buy for that child and can’t. The first anniversary of your child’s passing. The first. The first. The first.
Mamas and dads need support as they navigate these firsts just as much as they needed your support as they discovered the loss of their child, had to plan a funeral for someone who should be planning their funeral in years to come, and had to visit that grave marker for the first time. Don’t be afraid to help a grieving mama navigate that year of firsts. It’s a tremendous burden to bear alone.
Below are eight ways I have found encouragement and been comforted and blessed throughout my year of firsts after our loss of Caleb in January of 2021. Even doing one of these will tremendously bless the parents and siblings who have lost their loved one.
8 Ways to Help a Grieving Mama after the Loss of a Child
Pray for Her and the Family
I’ve had friends and acquaintances near and far tell me that they are sorry they couldn’t do more, but they have been lifting our family to the Lord in prayer. My response? That’s the most important thing you could do for us.
In Exodus 17, Amalek is fighting with Israel. Moses, Aaron, and Hur are at the top of the hill, and Moses has the rod of God in his hand. The Word says in verse 11-12, “And so it was, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed; and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands became heavy; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it. And Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.” (NKJV) Because Moses’ friends were there to support him through the spiritual side of this battle, Joshua and his men were able to defeat Amalek.
A grieving mama needs the Aarons and Hurs of their community to hold them up in prayer. Grief is a giant, as are the hurdles of the firsts. Pray for your friends. Hold them up in their time of need. It’s the least you can do but has the most impact. I am eternally grateful for those who have messaged me throughout this year and said they were praying for me or thinking of me that day.
Check In on the Grieving Mama
Shoot your friend a text. Contact her through Facebook Messenger. Call. Ask how she is doing. If she needs anything. Offer to pray with your friend over the phone. Mamas who have lost a child need to know that others care enough to check in on them.
Our youth pastor is fabulous at this. Jody has consistently made it a point to check in on Vic, me, and the kids this past year. At least once a month. At youth group last week, he asked if it would be okay if he popped over again this month to visit with the kids. He just wants to know we’re all doing okay and if there is any need we have that can be met. This is true Christian compassion. It’s how the kingdom of God truly operates. What a testimony of God’s love for us and His comfort in our darkest moments in life.
Make sure to check in on your friends and loved ones. Stop telling yourself you don’t want to impose. That grieving mama needs to know someone is thinking of her and her surviving children.
Comment on Her Social Posts
I have been posting my grief journey on Facebook this past year. It’s helping me process to write it out. And according to the multiple comments I’ve received, it’s helped others know what I need, what my family needs, and even to process their own grief. On a personal level, the comments have encouraged and comforted me. They have confirmed some things that God has spoken over me throughout my relationship with Him. They have reminded me that I’m not alone in this.
So when your friend or family member posts something on social media about their grief journey (or anything else going on that year of firsts), comment. Even if it’s a heart emoji. They need to know they are not alone.
Email the Grieving Mama
I had friends email me within that first month. Some prayed in their email body. Some shared their own story of losing a child. Some just wanted to check in. Email is a great way to contact someone if you don’t have time or want to intrude on their time with a phone call. Connection, which is a theme running throughout this post, is what is important to the parent grieving the loss of their child.
Send Cards and Gifts
I have two friends who have consistently sent me a weekly card throughout this past year. I cannot tell you, again, how much this touches this mama’s heart. They aren’t writing long letters. They aren’t spending five dollars a week to buy some fancy card. I’m receiving small note cards with a reminder that they are thinking of us and praying. Proof that they are following my social media posts, as they comment on what I’ve posted that week in their note. Simple. Effective. Comforting. Encouraging. What every parent needs.
I’ve also been super surprised to receive extremely thoughtful gifts throughout the year. If you haven’t already heard of her ministry, you should check out Lindsey’s Bottle of Tears. Two friends sent me gifts from her shop. Psalm 56:8 has always been one of my favorite verses: “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?” (NKJV) I’ve cried more tears this year than I have my entire lifetime, and I’ve cried a lot of tears over the years. God’s bottle, I imagine, looks like the ocean. But He knows every one. These gifts are precious. I’ve also received gifts created with images of my son. Also extremely touching, triggering even more tears as I’ve been moved by their thoughtfulness.
Don’t be afraid to be a blessing to your grieving friends. They need those touches from heaven sent through you.
Visit/Drop By
Our house got suddenly quiet after everyone left post-funeral. The door stopped swinging open and shut. And we were left in the silence with our thoughts and memories.
One of the most comforting things to happen this past year has been Caleb’s friends dropping in to say hello. I have Caleb’s guitar, cowboy hat, and boots. These are things that I treasure, because they were a big part of who he was. An even bigger connection to him is his buddies. They grab hold of me and squeeze like he would. They talk to me and tell me about their days, what’s going on in their lives, how much they love their girlfriends just like he would. I can’t tell you how much they touch my heart every time they drop by. I’m crying as I write this, they’ve touched my heart so much this past year. And when I haven’t seen them in a while, all I have to do is text, and they’re on my doorstep within the week.
My closest friends have also dropped by just to see how I am and say hello. To have a conversation. A cup of coffee or sweet tea. We need you, friends. Don’t stay away. It’s not an intrusion to stop by and say hi.
Send Food
The first month after Caleb’s passing, we had food, food, and more food. What a huge blessing not to have to cook. Not to have to think about grocery shopping or planning meals or spending hours in the kitchen. I cannot tell you how much this one act of service impacted me. Acts of Service is my number one love language. I love it when people find ways to make my life easier. And if you know me well, you know there is no joy of cooking within me. While others find cooking and baking relaxing, I find it stressful and time consuming. I’d rather clean the toilet. So to have food show up for a month was a tremendous blessing.
Mamas, keep in mind that grieving friends have many, many moments throughout that year of firsts that are load bearing. And coming home to dinner already prepped and served at the end of a day of grief overwhelm is a tremendous help. Just as the grief hasn’t stopped, I truly wish the food was still coming at least a couple of times a month. Especially as we enter the holiday season. Caleb’s birthday was November 19. I’m honestly dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas. And then his accident and death anniversary is January 3. I want to curl up into a ball and hibernate from November 1 through January 31, so I already know I won’t have any desire to figure out what we should eat those months. Just being honest.
Take Her Out
My son had a fiance when he passed. Her mama and I have gotten to be so much closer these past months, and we make it a point to go out for lunch at least once a month. It’s time for us to process the grief of the moment, check up on one another, see how the kids and hubbies are doing, and talk about life in general. I love going out with her. It’s a great break from the every day.
We have other couples who we love to go out with as well. Caleb’s friends come get Gideon and take him with them for an overnight or a ride through the countryside and some takeout along the way. It does a soul good to have a moment away from the house, out on the town with a friend or two. Sometimes we invite you. Sometimes we want and need to be invited.
The following are going to sound redundant, as I’ve mentioned them most above. However, it’s equally important to know what NOT to do.
5 Things NOT To Do When Mamas Are Grieving the Loss of a Child
Stay Away
Yes, there are moments when parents who are grieving the loss of a child need time alone. But that is not as often as many think. Staying away demonstrates that you don’t care more than it does you do care. Don’t stay away. Stop by. Offer to take us out. Make the call. Be present. Isolation is not the best solution for the grieving. Relationships with others is.
Think You’re Invading Her Space
Similar to “don’t stay away,” thinking you’re invading someone’s space because they need time to grieve is lying to yourself. Maybe you don’t know what to say. Maybe you feel awkward comforting others. Maybe you didn’t know them well and think they wouldn’t welcome your attention. Don’t let your doubts and insecurities keep you from making a difference in someone’s life when they need it the most. You are not invading anyone’s space by offering your services or a meal or a chance to talk. Reach out. Call first, if you’re worried about dropping by without notice. Ask if they have any food allergies and either cook them something warm and delicious or use a delivery service like DoorDash or GrubHub and send them a meal. Ask if they want to talk about anything. And just sit with them in silence if it’s necessary. Sometimes just knowing someone loves you enough to sit at your side for a moment is exactly what is needed.
Keep Silent
Do NOT keep silent. It has been so comforting to hear that I am not alone. Friends have shared their stories of losing their children. I am amazed at how many have lost a son or daughter. There are far more out there than you think.
I have also loved hearing everyone else’s memories of Caleb. This ministers to me as much as it does when his friends pop by. I could never hear enough stories about my son. These precious memories mean the world to me. And sometimes, I learn something new that I never knew about him, because the person sharing saw him in a different environment than I did.
Not sure what to say? Ask the grieving mama to share. What has ministered to you lately? What’s your fondest memory of your child? What’s the funniest thing your child ever did? There are a thousand thoughtful questions you could ask. Ask them. And join the conversation.
Avoid the Grieving Mama
Don’t avoid your friend or loved one. That’s a selfish, fear-filled thing to do. We aren’t going to break any more than we’ve already broken. And we need to know we are loved, that our child was loved, and that we are not alone in this world-turned-upside-down.
Don’t avoid conversation, either. As I mentioned above, there are plenty of questions you can ask if you don’t know what to say. The only question you should avoid asking is what happened. If they want to rehash that misery, they’ll bring it up.
Talk Behind Her Back
I shouldn’t have to say this, but apparently I need to, because it does happen. (Thankfully, not to us. But it did happen to a close friend.) When your loved one is planning the funeral of a child, don’t start talking behind their back because you feel slighted or left out or don’t agree with their decisions. These are the most difficult decisions a parent will ever have to make. And they are making them under intense duress.
The ones closest to us are usually the ones who hurt us the most. And talking behind someone’s back is one of the most hurtful things you could do in this season, let alone any other season of life. It’s childish and immature. And it has no place in relationships. Especially amongst family.
I hope that something within this post has given you an idea of how to help your friend or family member walk through the loss of a child. Yes, these are all applicable to ministering to anyone walking through grief of any nature. But from one mama who has lost a child to another, there is nothing, no other grief I’ve ever experienced, that has caused as much heartache and overwhelm than this loss. And I’ve needed every one of these friends and family members who have poured out for us this past year to see me through my year of firsts. Be that friend. Be Jesus.
Share Your Story
Have you walked this path of grief? Have you done something for someone who has had to take this journey? We’d love to hear your sacred story in the comments. Let’s chat.
by Alycia Morales | Oct 6, 2020 | Fun, Health, Self-care
After spending almost all of Saturday commenting back and forth with a beautiful lady on my Facebook friends list, I decided to participate in one of my stress-free alternatives to Facebook. Sunday was a relaxing, refreshing day as a result.
Here’s are some (but likely not all) of the things you can find to view and discuss (or scroll past) on Facebook as of late:
- Posts about President Trump’s health and battle with coronavirus (he’s winning)
- Posts about how Joe Biden is losing his mind (I feel for him; my father-in-law suffered dementia before passing away.)
- Memes about 2020 (these are absolutely hysterical most times – I use these to exercise my liver and get a good belly laugh)
- Political debates
- Food posts
- Political ads
- Picture posts (share a picture with this color in it and I’ll assign a color for you to post with on your wall)
- Have you registered to vote reminders, typically listed with the state you don’t live in and a request to register there
- Which would you choose? (usually comes with a group of photos of one item varied with numbers attached – like houses)
- Posts about family members or friends with coronavirus, recent deaths in the family, and other sad life events
- Happy Birthdays and Happy Anniversaries
- Advertisements for many things we don’t need or care about that reflect something we recently posted on our wall or said near our phone
- Reaction videos (ask your kids or grands)
Scrolling past these can be tiring. Mentally and emotionally exhausting. And let’s not even talk about the censorship issues we’re seeing as posts and videos are “fact checked” or deleted. We’re all anxious for the presidential election to come and go so we can (hopefully) get on with life, back to some semblance of normal, and enjoy the holidays. Many are so done with 2020 and looking forward to 2021.
I get you.
It’s healthy to know and understand what we face as a nation. This election is a big one. The coronavirus isn’t going away any time soon, but we are seeing improvements.
It’s also healthy to take a break from it all. To give your mind and emotions a rest. Self-care is important in uncertain times. It helps us to maintain logical thinking and keeps us from wearing down our immune systems as we deal with the stresses of the day.
I’ve put together the following list of 25 stress-free alternatives to Facebook:
- Take a nap. Sleep is healthy for the brain.
- Pour your favorite drink and sit outside in the fresh air.
- Practice some breathing exercises. Take deep breaths.
- Call a friend. Friends don’t censor you, and most won’t argue with your viewpoints.
- Read a book. Fiction will get you away from life. Nonfiction may educate you.
- Get creative. Make something.
- Scrapbook the year. It’s one you are likely not to forget (even if you want to). Note anything GOOD that came from 2020.
- Start a thankful journal. It’s always good to reflect on even the small things we have to be grateful for when life is insane.
- Take a walk. Take the dog with you. Or not. (Mine would walk me.)
- Play a board game with the family. (Screen free for all!)
- Go to the spa. Get a massage. Feel those muscles release and relax. (I need to do this!)
- Take a self-care day. Turn off your phone. Unplug. Do what pleases you.
- Visit a pumpkin patch or an apple orchard. Take fun pics with and of the family. Eat an apple cider donut.
- Visit a local store that is selling Christmas items already. (Shouldn’t be difficult.) Find an ornament or decoration that says “JOY.” Take it home and put it in a place where it can remind you not to let anyone or anything steal your JOY this season.
- Start a journal. Sometimes writing all of your thoughts out on paper helps release the stress of carrying them in your head. Once you’ve written them out, write down a prayer for each one. Flip the negative on its head.
- Grab a cup of coffee or tea with a friend. Do some window shopping. Buy yourself one (smallish, inexpensive) thing you’ve wanted since before quarantining.
- Get your hair done. Go for a mani/pedi. Feeling good about yourself helps your stress levels lower.
- Work a puzzle. (One of my favorite ways to de-stress!)
- If cooking or baking helps you become stress free, spend a day or a weekend in the kitchen.
- Take your camera out for a day and find someplace lovely to take photographs.
- Go for a hike. Take out the kayak. Play a round of disc golf. Go to the putt-putt range. Go to the shooting range. Go hunting. Fishing.
- Take the family out for dinner and a movie.
- Go bowling or roller skating.
- Take a Saturday and hit the yard and estate sales and flea markets with your hubby or mom or sister or friend.
- Visit a botanical garden, a zoo, or an aquarium. Spend the day leisurely wandering and admiring God’s creation.
As they say, this too shall pass. The question remains, what’s to come? Hopefully, prayerfully, 2021 will be a better year.
Which of these 25 stress-free alternatives to Facebook will you be doing? If I had to pick my top three, they would be:
- Saturday yard sale/flea market.
- Photography day (our leaves are beginning to turn).
- Self-care day.
Let me know your top three in the comments below!
by Alycia Morales | Oct 1, 2020 | Health
Being fat is making me sick and tired. I can hear you now, “What? You’re not fat!” Please hold the flattery. According to my BMI, I am obese. Overweight. And trust me, I can feel it.
Last year, I signed up for a very successful program that enabled me to lose 20 pounds within a few months. I would likely have continued in that program had it not been for the expense of it. I’m a mother of five teens and young adults who eat me out of house and home already. Spending $500 per month on program food was not in my budget. The value is worth it. The coaches are personable and encouraging. Accountability is available if you want it. The education factor is done well. If you can afford it. I just couldn’t.
It took me nearly a year to put back on that weight that I’d shed. And this fall finds me feeling rather fluffy around the middle again.
Do you, like me, suffer from any of the following:
- Can barely tie your shoes over your belly rolls from eating too many jelly rolls.
- Get winded walking the stairs in your house.
- Can’t go on a hike without huffling and puffling up the mountain, wondering if you’ll die before you make it to the top.
- Suffer from acid reflux … or maybe it’s heartburn? They feel so much alike.
- Allergies have increased their attack.
- Need inhaler now when haven’t needed it before. Especially after wearing a mask.
- Feel sick after consuming certain foods.
- Need a nap at 2 in the afternoon because you can’t keep your eyes open.
- Having trouble sleeping at night, so you have to take a nap at 2 in the afternoon.
- Back hurts.
- Carrying stress in knotted muscles.
- Clothes are shrinking … right?
- Slugs and sloths move faster than I do.
- Sinus pressure leads to post-nasal drip that is magnified by wearing a mask that leads to cough that won’t quit but isn’t COVID related.
- Eyesight is worsening. Is it my age or lack of some vitamin or mineral?
That’s the list I created of things I want to overcome by pursuing a lifestyle of health. Mamas, I’m on a mission to lose 60 pounds of fat. To return to my size and weight post my first baby’s birth, who is now 21. I’ve birthed four babies, so I’m not hopeful that I could ever reach pre-pregnancy size again. My hips probably spread too far for that. So I’m not putting myself under the pressure of unrealistic expectations.
#dontdothattoyourself
The first thing a mama must do if she wants to make a change is to identify her WHY.
WHAT do you want from life? Knowing what you want will help you determine what goals you need to set to achieve those things.
HONESTY is key. Be honest with yourself about what you desire. For example, I desire to make enough money to live financially free. That translates to I would like to earn six or seven figures a year. Some would say that’s greedy. I say that’s achievable and admirable. Because my WHY behind that desire is to be able to bless others via donations to help make things happen in this world, like ending trafficking.
YES should resonate from deep within you when you are sorting out your why. If it doesn’t, you may not have enough passion to drive your mission.
Here is my WHY for losing weight, shedding fat, and pursuing health:
I want to live a long and healthy life so that I can enjoy spending time with my family and friends. For example, I want to go on many hiking adventures with my husband as we retire. I want to enjoy my grandchildren and great grandchildren and be able to chase them without feeling like I’m running a marathon. I want to be able to sit on the floor with them and get up from it without feeling like a stiff. I want to give my children who are still in my home an opportunity to eat healthy meals at the dinner table as a family before they leave high school and my home so they have good health habits instilled in them – even at this late hour. I don’t want to die young of a heart attack. Or end up with diabetes, which runs in my family. I don’t want to put on any more weight.
When I think of how I will feel and look and be able to think more clearly when I lose 60 pounds of fat and am making healthy choices when it comes to food, I get excited. A big ol’ YES rises up within me.
Does this resonate with you? Are you like me? If so, I’d love for you to join me in my quest for health. I have decided to sign up for Noom. Here’s why:
- The cost is significantly cheaper than the previous program I tried. Like, $200 for 8 months of eating normal food (fee covers health coach, education, assistance tracking weight, steps, etc. in app) versus the $500 I was paying per month to have the same opportunities but also paying for program food.
- It’s all in an app, which makes my life SO much easier.
- Their writers are funny.
- I can do 15 minutes of “homework” per day and walk away feeling encouraged and confident that I can do this and lose the fat. (You can set how much work in a day you want to do. I chose the max.)
- I can eat real food. Any food that I want. (It’s all about portion control and making wise choices.)
- I’m on my sixth day and have seen a 2.4 pound drop in weight already.
- I love their lessons. The writers include so many pop culture references that make me laugh. And laughter is a great way to burn some calories. It also exercises your liver.
- There are some really good looking recipes in the app.
- I can use recipes from other cookbooks I have in my kitchen, as well.
- I can still drink sweet tea, although I’m working toward cutting it with unsweet.
- The writers are highly encouraging, as well as instructive. I’m learning the psychology behind eating and making choices (emotional and mental health) while learning about food and fitness (physical health). There are pop quizzes.
- They love cookies. So do I.
Is that enough to encourage you to join me? If so, I have a link! (<— Click for link to Noom.) If you’re still on the fence but you want to do something about your health, let me know what’s holding you back, Mama. I’d love to encourage you!
It’s time to take back my health. It’s time to make decisions about what I eat and how often I get up from the computer and move around the house or outside for a walk so that I can be a healthier, slimmer, happier me who doesn’t cringe when she looks in the mirror and sees that middle roll catching up with her boobs.
I’ll be posting more as I progress. But for now, here’s my ultimate WHY:
