Don’t be afraid to help a grieving mama after the loss of a child. Many people will shy away from grieving parents because they just don’t know what to say or do. The loss of a child brings an overwhelming wave of grief with it, and we can tend to want to give our mama friends and their husbands space to deal with their emotions. From one who has experienced that grief and overwhelm, don’t give a grieving mama too much space. She needs your support in that season. And for the next year.

It’s called “the year of firsts.” It’s the year that we experience every first without our child. The first birthday. The first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. The first New Year, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas. The first time you realize any number of things about your child … sometimes too late. The first time you go shopping and see something you would normally buy for that child and can’t. The first anniversary of your child’s passing. The first. The first. The first.

Mamas and dads need support as they navigate these firsts just as much as they needed your support as they discovered the loss of their child, had to plan a funeral for someone who should be planning their funeral in years to come, and had to visit that grave marker for the first time. Don’t be afraid to help a grieving mama navigate that year of firsts. It’s a tremendous burden to bear alone.

Below are eight ways I have found encouragement and been comforted and blessed throughout my year of firsts after our loss of Caleb in January of 2021. Even doing one of these will tremendously bless the parents and siblings who have lost their loved one.

8 Ways to Help a Grieving Mama after the Loss of a Child

Pray for Her and the Family

I’ve had friends and acquaintances near and far tell me that they are sorry they couldn’t do more, but they have been lifting our family to the Lord in prayer. My response? That’s the most important thing you could do for us.

In Exodus 17, Amalek is fighting with Israel. Moses, Aaron, and Hur are at the top of the hill, and Moses has the rod of God in his hand. The Word says in verse 11-12, “And so it was, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed; and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands became heavy; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it. And Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.” (NKJV) Because Moses’ friends were there to support him through the spiritual side of this battle, Joshua and his men were able to defeat Amalek.

A grieving mama needs the Aarons and Hurs of their community to hold them up in prayer. Grief is a giant, as are the hurdles of the firsts. Pray for your friends. Hold them up in their time of need. It’s the least you can do but has the most impact. I am eternally grateful for those who have messaged me throughout this year and said they were praying for me or thinking of me that day.

Check In on the Grieving Mama

Shoot your friend a text. Contact her through Facebook Messenger. Call. Ask how she is doing. If she needs anything. Offer to pray with your friend over the phone. Mamas who have lost a child need to know that others care enough to check in on them.

Our youth pastor is fabulous at this. Jody has consistently made it a point to check in on Vic, me, and the kids this past year. At least once a month. At youth group last week, he asked if it would be okay if he popped over again this month to visit with the kids. He just wants to know we’re all doing okay and if there is any need we have that can be met. This is true Christian compassion. It’s how the kingdom of God truly operates. What a testimony of God’s love for us and His comfort in our darkest moments in life.

Make sure to check in on your friends and loved ones. Stop telling yourself you don’t want to impose. That grieving mama needs to know someone is thinking of her and her surviving children.

Comment on Her Social Posts

I have been posting my grief journey on Facebook this past year. It’s helping me process to write it out. And according to the multiple comments I’ve received, it’s helped others know what I need, what my family needs, and even to process their own grief. On a personal level, the comments have encouraged and comforted me. They have confirmed some things that God has spoken over me throughout my relationship with Him. They have reminded me that I’m not alone in this.

So when your friend or family member posts something on social media about their grief journey (or anything else going on that year of firsts), comment. Even if it’s a heart emoji. They need to know they are not alone.

Email the Grieving Mama

I had friends email me within that first month. Some prayed in their email body. Some shared their own story of losing a child. Some just wanted to check in. Email is a great way to contact someone if you don’t have time or want to intrude on their time with a phone call. Connection, which is a theme running throughout this post, is what is important to the parent grieving the loss of their child.

Send Cards and Gifts

I have two friends who have consistently sent me a weekly card throughout this past year. I cannot tell you, again, how much this touches this mama’s heart. They aren’t writing long letters. They aren’t spending five dollars a week to buy some fancy card. I’m receiving small note cards with a reminder that they are thinking of us and praying. Proof that they are following my social media posts, as they comment on what I’ve posted that week in their note. Simple. Effective. Comforting. Encouraging. What every parent needs.

I’ve also been super surprised to receive extremely thoughtful gifts throughout the year. If you haven’t already heard of her ministry, you should check out Lindsey’s Bottle of Tears. Two friends sent me gifts from her shop. Psalm 56:8 has always been one of my favorite verses: “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?” (NKJV) I’ve cried more tears this year than I have my entire lifetime, and I’ve cried a lot of tears over the years. God’s bottle, I imagine, looks like the ocean. But He knows every one. These gifts are precious. I’ve also received gifts created with images of my son. Also extremely touching, triggering even more tears as I’ve been moved by their thoughtfulness.

Don’t be afraid to be a blessing to your grieving friends. They need those touches from heaven sent through you.

Visit/Drop By

Our house got suddenly quiet after everyone left post-funeral. The door stopped swinging open and shut. And we were left in the silence with our thoughts and memories.

One of the most comforting things to happen this past year has been Caleb’s friends dropping in to say hello. I have Caleb’s guitar, cowboy hat, and boots. These are things that I treasure, because they were a big part of who he was. An even bigger connection to him is his buddies. They grab hold of me and squeeze like he would. They talk to me and tell me about their days, what’s going on in their lives, how much they love their girlfriends just like he would. I can’t tell you how much they touch my heart every time they drop by. I’m crying as I write this, they’ve touched my heart so much this past year. And when I haven’t seen them in a while, all I have to do is text, and they’re on my doorstep within the week.

My closest friends have also dropped by just to see how I am and say hello. To have a conversation. A cup of coffee or sweet tea. We need you, friends. Don’t stay away. It’s not an intrusion to stop by and say hi.

Send Food

The first month after Caleb’s passing, we had food, food, and more food. What a huge blessing not to have to cook. Not to have to think about grocery shopping or planning meals or spending hours in the kitchen. I cannot tell you how much this one act of service impacted me. Acts of Service is my number one love language. I love it when people find ways to make my life easier. And if you know me well, you know there is no joy of cooking within me. While others find cooking and baking relaxing, I find it stressful and time consuming. I’d rather clean the toilet. So to have food show up for a month was a tremendous blessing.

Mamas, keep in mind that grieving friends have many, many moments throughout that year of firsts that are load bearing. And coming home to dinner already prepped and served at the end of a day of grief overwhelm is a tremendous help. Just as the grief hasn’t stopped, I truly wish the food was still coming at least a couple of times a month. Especially as we enter the holiday season. Caleb’s birthday was November 19. I’m honestly dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas. And then his accident and death anniversary is January 3. I want to curl up into a ball and hibernate from November 1 through January 31, so I already know I won’t have any desire to figure out what we should eat those months. Just being honest.

Take Her Out

My son had a fiance when he passed. Her mama and I have gotten to be so much closer these past months, and we make it a point to go out for lunch at least once a month. It’s time for us to process the grief of the moment, check up on one another, see how the kids and hubbies are doing, and talk about life in general. I love going out with her. It’s a great break from the every day.

We have other couples who we love to go out with as well. Caleb’s friends come get Gideon and take him with them for an overnight or a ride through the countryside and some takeout along the way. It does a soul good to have a moment away from the house, out on the town with a friend or two. Sometimes we invite you. Sometimes we want and need to be invited.

The following are going to sound redundant, as I’ve mentioned them most above. However, it’s equally important to know what NOT to do.

5 Things NOT To Do When Mamas Are Grieving the Loss of a Child

Stay Away

Yes, there are moments when parents who are grieving the loss of a child need time alone. But that is not as often as many think. Staying away demonstrates that you don’t care more than it does you do care. Don’t stay away. Stop by. Offer to take us out. Make the call. Be present. Isolation is not the best solution for the grieving. Relationships with others is.

Think You’re Invading Her Space

Similar to “don’t stay away,” thinking you’re invading someone’s space because they need time to grieve is lying to yourself. Maybe you don’t know what to say. Maybe you feel awkward comforting others. Maybe you didn’t know them well and think they wouldn’t welcome your attention. Don’t let your doubts and insecurities keep you from making a difference in someone’s life when they need it the most. You are not invading anyone’s space by offering your services or a meal or a chance to talk. Reach out. Call first, if you’re worried about dropping by without notice. Ask if they have any food allergies and either cook them something warm and delicious or use a delivery service like DoorDash or GrubHub and send them a meal. Ask if they want to talk about anything. And just sit with them in silence if it’s necessary. Sometimes just knowing someone loves you enough to sit at your side for a moment is exactly what is needed.

Keep Silent

Do NOT keep silent. It has been so comforting to hear that I am not alone. Friends have shared their stories of losing their children. I am amazed at how many have lost a son or daughter. There are far more out there than you think.

I have also loved hearing everyone else’s memories of Caleb. This ministers to me as much as it does when his friends pop by. I could never hear enough stories about my son. These precious memories mean the world to me. And sometimes, I learn something new that I never knew about him, because the person sharing saw him in a different environment than I did.

Not sure what to say? Ask the grieving mama to share. What has ministered to you lately? What’s your fondest memory of your child? What’s the funniest thing your child ever did? There are a thousand thoughtful questions you could ask. Ask them. And join the conversation.

Avoid the Grieving Mama

Don’t avoid your friend or loved one. That’s a selfish, fear-filled thing to do. We aren’t going to break any more than we’ve already broken. And we need to know we are loved, that our child was loved, and that we are not alone in this world-turned-upside-down.

Don’t avoid conversation, either. As I mentioned above, there are plenty of questions you can ask if you don’t know what to say. The only question you should avoid asking is what happened. If they want to rehash that misery, they’ll bring it up.

Talk Behind Her Back

I shouldn’t have to say this, but apparently I need to, because it does happen. (Thankfully, not to us. But it did happen to a close friend.) When your loved one is planning the funeral of a child, don’t start talking behind their back because you feel slighted or left out or don’t agree with their decisions. These are the most difficult decisions a parent will ever have to make. And they are making them under intense duress.

The ones closest to us are usually the ones who hurt us the most. And talking behind someone’s back is one of the most hurtful things you could do in this season, let alone any other season of life. It’s childish and immature. And it has no place in relationships. Especially amongst family.

I hope that something within this post has given you an idea of how to help your friend or family member walk through the loss of a child. Yes, these are all applicable to ministering to anyone walking through grief of any nature. But from one mama who has lost a child to another, there is nothing, no other grief I’ve ever experienced, that has caused as much heartache and overwhelm than this loss. And I’ve needed every one of these friends and family members who have poured out for us this past year to see me through my year of firsts. Be that friend. Be Jesus.

Share Your Story

Have you walked this path of grief? Have you done something for someone who has had to take this journey? We’d love to hear your sacred story in the comments. Let’s chat.