“Your heartache is someone else’s hope. If you make it through, someone else is going to make it through. Tell your story.” (Kim McManus)

Each of us has a story to tell. As mothers, we experience heartache after heartache. At the same time, we find hope in one anothers’ stories. If one of us makes it through a trying time, another of us may do the same. We’re encouraged to keep trying. My story has its ups and downs, but they all lead to joy. Because that’s what being a mom is to me: JOY.

The following are just a few glimpses of my life as a mom.

My Story of Motherhood

Abortion:

In 1994, I became pregnant out of wedlock while in college. Against everything I believed to be true, everything inside of me, I had an abortion. This was my first opportunity at motherhood, and I killed it. Literally. It took me a couple of years to heal from the resulting trauma of that decision, and it was only because of Jesus that I was able to forgive myself. This is where my faith testimony begins.

Step-son:

In 1998, I married Victor. I instantly became a mother to Zachary, his son from his first marriage. Zach was four when he and I met, and he was now eight. I learned a lot being a stepmom. Some lessons I learned from parenting Zachary as best I could. Others, I learned from being in that type of family situation.

Zachary is laid back and care-free, for the most part. He feels things deeply and has a tendency to stuff his emotions. At the same time, he’s a sweet kid. Well, adult now.

There are two super important lessons I learned while helping raise him:

1. I had to lower my expectations. Being raised in a home where education was highly valued, I didn’t get away with slacking off. I expected my own children to get straight As and Bs. With Zach, I had to learn that our best effort is what counts. If his best was a C, I could applaud him for that. I let go of a lot of my perfectionist ideals during that season of my life.

2. God sees and knows all. Even when no one else does. I had very few people who understood my situation as a stepmom and the difficulties I was having in my marriage and my parenting and managing my household during that season of my life. Everyone had their “ideas” of what I could or should do in my situation, but no one saw what was going on behind the closed doors of our home. But God … He saw and knew everything. And since He’s who I ultimately answer to, I had to trust that He knew the purity of my heart in all I ever said or did.

Firstborn Son:

In 1999, Vic and I had Ezra. Our firstborn. As new parents of an infant, we had times of joy and times of distress. Parenting, as many of you well know, is a huge learning curve.

Ezra is the kid who keeps us honest. He’s compassionate. He cares deeply about other people. The Lord uses him to convict me more often than not. He makes me a better person.

Miscarriages:

Shortly after Ezra was born, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. During the two-year duration of her illness and subsequent death, I had two miscarriages. I struggled with depression during this time. And my marriage was still a challenge more than a joy.

I learned I had to be strong; strong for myself, for my family, for my husband. Maybe no one else needed me to, but I needed to. I also knew that while I was weak, Jesus was strong. When I am focused on the Lord, I can always do whatever is necessary.

Second-born Son:

Caleb. It was opening day of deer season when he was born. Since the birth went well, I felt confident in sending my husband on to my grandmother’s for his hunting joy. We were heading that way for Thanksgiving, anyway. He took Ezra and went ahead. It was two days later, when we were being discharged, that the hospital staff sprung it on me that my son had been diagnosed as having a hole in his heart.

For the first time in my married life, I felt alone and anxious. Vic was out hunting, and I wasn’t about to tell my grandmother the news. My mom was teaching and wouldn’t be done with work until 3:00 that afternoon. My sister was working. I couldn’t reach anyone.

Fortunately, the pediatric cardiologist was halfway between our house and Grandma’s, so it wouldn’t be an inconvenience to take him there for our scheduled appointment over Thanksgiving break. My mom picked us up from the hospital that evening, and we headed off to Grandma’s.

That night and several after, I slept sitting up with Caleb on my chest, gripped in fear that something would happen to him.

But Caleb is our fighter. Warrior. Conqueror. The one who overcomes. His heart healed by the time he turned four, just as the doctors predicted.

He is the most independent of our children, which I knew from the beginning. He didn’t bond to me as Ezra had, or our youngest two would. Caleb is strong-willed and determined. But he also wants justice for all. An admirable trait. He holds me accountable. If I say I will do something, and something comes up that causes change, he reminds me I need to keep my word. He may not have bonded as I expected, but we do have a solid bond.

Daughter:

Hannah. She and Caleb are what we term “Irish twins.” They were born 13 months apart. She is all girl, and I love having estrogen in a house full of testosterone. She wrapped her daddy around her finger from day one.

When people tell me that it’s easier to raise one sex or the other, I disagree. I have both. They’re equally challenging in many of the same ways. She gets as dirty as the boys. And, she’s a drama queen. Did you know that boys can be just as dramatic?

Hannah is pure of heart. She’s loyal. She loves kindness and doesn’t understand why people have to be so petty toward one another. Hannah is the one who will step between her brothers and mediate. My daughter is my heart.

Third-born Son:

Gideon. He’s the baby of the family and will always be the baby of the family. He’s my sweet-spirited kid who is laid back. I thank God for his disposition, because after raising three challenging kids, he is simple.

By the time I had him, we were not as worried as parents. Since Caleb, Vic no longer worried how long the kids stayed in our room while I nursed them. Gideon loved to sleep in his carseat and then the playpen. He never did take to the bassinet or crib. We didn’t worry about it. The five second rule now applied to everything from binky to snacks.

Fostering:

In 2009, I was watching a Dave Thomas Foundation Christmas program. When one 18-year-old girl talked about how much she wanted a forever family, because she was about to “graduate” out of “the system,” my heart broke. I couldn’t imagine being on my own, all alone, at the young age of 18. With no one to talk to about life and its challenges. Nowhere to go at Thanksgiving, Christmas. No one to walk me down the aisle when I got married. It made me think long and hard. And the desire to at least foster, if not also adopt, began to grow roots in my heart.

In 2016, we began our journey toward becoming licensed foster parents. It took a year and a half. The average time to get a foster license is six months, in case you’re wondering. We had no idea why it took so long.

Until we got our first placement, three days after my birthday in 2018. I call her my birthday gift from God.

Shateka came to us at the age of 17. She’d been in a group home for four years. And she was about to be up for adoption. We’d only fostered her for two months when I knew she was going to be our daughter. She completed our family. She got along with all of her siblings. This girl is a patient, mature, sweet young lady who blesses us as much as we (hopefully) bless her.

Adoption:

In March of 2019, we closed the adoption and Shateka became Victoria Morales. You’ll be able to read more about our foster/adoption journey in other posts.

Important to Note:

While my husband and I don’t always agree on everything, and there are seasons when we really like each other and seasons when there’s plenty of tension between us, we’ve made our marriage a priority and done the hard work necessary to honor our covenant. Love is not an emotion we base our marriage on. It’s a covenant vow tied with the choice to love someone, even at their worst. We continue to love one another, and our relationship is far stronger now than it was five years into it. Our love story continues.

These are obviously just bits and pieces of my story about becoming a mother. There is so much more to motherhood than the basics I had time to share here. I wanted to let you know that I have experience in many forms of motherhood, and there are plenty of stories to tell.

What I’d love to know is your story. Who do you have the privilege of mothering? Are you a military mom? Stepmom? Foster mom? A single mom? We all have a story to tell. I’d love to hear yours! Feel free to drop a comment below and let us know a little about your motherhood story.